the truth is not optional: five bad reasons (and one mediocre one) for defending the status quo

You could be forgiven for thinking that academic psychologists have all suddenly turned into professional whistleblowers. Everywhere you look, interesting new papers are cropping up purporting to describe this or that common-yet-shady methodological practice, and telling us what we can collectively do to solve the problem and improve the quality of the published literature. In just the last year or so, Uri Simonsohn introduced new techniques for detecting fraud, and used those tools to identify at least 3 cases of high-profile, unabashed data forgery. Simmons and colleagues reported simulations demonstrating that standard exploitation of research degrees of freedom in analysis can produce extremely high rates of false positive findings. Pashler and colleagues developed a “Psych file drawer” repository for tracking replication attempts. Several researchers raised trenchant questions about the veracity and/or magnitude of many high-profile psychological findings such as John Bargh’s famous social priming effects. Wicherts and colleagues showed that authors of psychology articles who are less willing to share their data upon request are more likely to make basic statistical errors in their papers. And so on and so forth. The flood shows no signs of abating; just last week, the APS journal Perspectives in Psychological Science announced that it’s introducing a new “Registered Replication Report” section that will commit to publishing pre-registered high-quality replication attempts, irrespective of their outcome.

Personally, I think these are all very welcome developments for psychological science. They’re solid indications that we psychologists are going to be able to police ourselves successfully in the face of some pretty serious problems, and they bode well for the long-term health of our discipline. My sense is that the majority of other researchers–perhaps the vast majority–share this sentiment. Still, as with any zeitgeist shift, there are always naysayers. In discussing these various developments and initiatives with other people, I’ve found myself arguing, with somewhat surprising frequency, with people who for various reasons think it’s not such a good thing that Uri Simonsohn is trying to catch fraudsters, or that social priming findings are being questioned, or that the consequences of flexible analyses are being exposed. Since many of the arguments I’ve come across tend to recur, I thought I’d summarize the most common ones here–along with the rebuttals I usually offer for why, with one possible exception, the arguments for giving a pass to sloppy-but-common methodological practices are not very compelling.

“But everyone does it, so how bad can it be?”

We typically assume that long-standing conventions must exist for some good reason, so when someone raises doubts about some widespread practice, it’s quite natural to question the person raising the doubts rather than the practice itself. Could it really, truly be (we say) that there’s something deeply strange and misguided about using p values? Is it really possible that the reporting practices converged on by thousands of researchers in tens of thousands of neuroimaging articles might leave something to be desired? Could failing to correct for the many researcher degrees of freedom associated with most datasets really inflate the false positive rate so dramatically?

The answer to all these questions, of course, is yes–or at least, we should allow that it could be yes. It is, in principle, entirely possible for an entire scientific field to regularly do things in a way that isn’t very good. There are domains where appeals to convention or consensus make perfect sense, because there are few good reasons to do things a certain way except inasmuch as other people do them the same way. If everyone else in your country drives on the right side of the road, you may want to consider driving on the right side of the road too. But science is not one of those domains. In science, there is no intrinsic benefit to doing things just for the sake of convention. In fact, almost by definition, major scientific advances are ones that tend to buck convention and suggest things that other researchers may not have considered possible or likely.

In the context of common methodological practice, it’s no defense at all to say but everyone does it this way, because there are usually relatively objective standards by which we can gauge the quality of our methods, and it’s readily apparent that there are many cases where the consensus approach leave something to be desired. For instance, you can’t really justify failing to correct for multiple comparisons when you report a single test that’s just barely significant at p < .05 on the grounds that nobody else corrects for multiple comparisons in your field. That may be a valid explanation for why your paper successfully got published (i.e., reviewers didn’t want to hold your feet to the fire for something they themselves are guilty of in their own work), but it’s not a valid defense of the actual science. If you run a t-test on randomly generated data 20 times, you will, on average, get a significant result, p < .05, once. It does no one any good to argue that because the convention in a field is to allow multiple testing–or to ignore statistical power, or to report only p values and not effect sizes, or to omit mention of conditions that didn’t ‘work’, and so on–it’s okay to ignore the issue. There’s a perfectly reasonable question as to whether it’s a smart career move to start imposing methodological rigor on your work unilaterally (see below), but there’s no question that the mere presence of consensus or convention surrounding a methodological practice does not make that practice okay from a scientific standpoint.

“But psychology would break if we could only report results that were truly predicted a priori!”

This is a defense that has some plausibility at first blush. It’s certainly true that if you force researchers to correct for multiple comparisons properly, and report the many analyses they actually conducted–and not just those that “worked”–a lot of stuff that used to get through the filter will now get caught in the net. So, by definition, it would be harder to detect unexpected effects in one’s data–even when those unexpected effects are, in some sense, ‘real’. But the important thing to keep in mind is that raising the bar for what constitutes a believable finding doesn’t actually prevent researchers from discovering unexpected new effects; all it means is that it becomes harder to report post-hoc results as pre-hoc results. It’s not at all clear why forcing researchers to put in more effort validating their own unexpected finding is a bad thing.

In fact, forcing researchers to go the extra mile in this way would have one exceedingly important benefit for the field as a whole: it would shift the onus of determining whether an unexpected result is plausible enough to warrant pursuing away from the community as a whole, and towards the individual researcher who discovered the result in the first place. As it stands right now, if I discover an unexpected result (p < .05!) that I can make up a compelling story for, there’s a reasonable chance I might be able to get that single result into a short paper in, say, Psychological Science. And reap all the benefits that attend getting a paper into a “high-impact” journal. So in practice there’s very little penalty to publishing questionable results, even if I myself am not entirely (or even mostly) convinced that those results are reliable. This state of affairs is, to put it mildly, not A Good Thing.

In contrast, if you as an editor or reviewer start insisting that I run another study that directly tests and replicates my unexpected finding before you’re willing to publish my result, I now actually have something at stake. Because it takes time and money to run new studies, I’m probably not going to bother to follow up on my unexpected finding unless I really believe it. Which is exactly as it should be: I’m the guy who discovered the effect, and I know about all the corners I have or haven’t cut in order to produce it; so if anyone should make the decision about whether to spend more taxpayer money chasing the result, it should be me. You, as the reviewer, are not in a great position to know how plausible the effect truly is, because you have no idea how many different types of analyses I attempted before I got something to ‘work’, or how many failed studies I ran that I didn’t tell you about. Given the huge asymmetry in information, it seems perfectly reasonable for reviewers to say, You think you have a really cool and unexpected effect that you found a compelling story for? Great; go and directly replicate it yourself and then we’ll talk.

“But mistakes happen, and people could get falsely accused!”

Some people don’t like the idea of a guy like Simonsohn running around and busting people’s data fabrication operations for the simple reason that they worry that the kind of approach Simonsohn used to detect fraud is just not that well-tested, and that if we’re not careful, innocent people could get swept up in the net. I think this concern stems from fundamentally good intentions, but once again, I think it’s also misguided.

For one thing, it’s important to note that, despite all the press, Simonsohn hasn’t actually done anything qualitatively different from what other whistleblowers or skeptics have done in the past. He may have suggested new techniques that improve the efficiency with which cheating can be detected, but it’s not as though he invented the ability to report or investigate other researchers for suspected misconduct. Researchers suspicious of other researchers’ findings have always used qualitatively similar arguments to raise concerns. They’ve said things like, hey, look, this is a pattern of data that just couldn’t arise by chance, or, the numbers are too similar across different conditions.

More to the point, perhaps, no one is seriously suggesting that independent observers shouldn’t be allowed to raise their concerns about possible misconduct with journal editors, professional organizations, and universities. There really isn’t any viable alternative. Naysayers who worry that innocent people might end up ensnared by false accusations presumably aren’t suggesting that we do away with all of the existing mechanisms for ensuring accountability; but since the role of people like Simonsohn is only to raise suspicion and provide evidence (and not to do the actual investigating or firing), it’s clear that there’s no way to regulate this type of behavior even if we wanted to (which I would argue we don’t). If I wanted to spend the rest of my life scanning the statistical minutiae of psychology articles for evidence of misconduct and reporting it to the appropriate authorities (and I can assure you that I most certainly don’t), there would be nothing anyone could do to stop me, nor should there be. Remember that accusing someone of misconduct is something anyone can do, but establishing that misconduct has actually occurred is a serious task that requires careful internal investigation. No one–certainly not Simonsohn–is suggesting that a routine statistical test should be all it takes to end someone’s career. In fact, Simonsohn himself has noted that he identified a 4th case of likely fraud that he dutifully reported to the appropriate authorities only to be met with complete silence. Given all the incentives universities and journals have to look the other way when accusations of fraud are made, I suspect we should be much more concerned about the false negative rate than the false positive rate when it comes to fraud.

“But it hurts the public’s perception of our field!”

Sometimes people argue that even if the field does have some serious methodological problems, we still shouldn’t discuss them publicly, because doing so is likely to instill a somewhat negative view of psychological research in the public at large. The unspoken implication being that, if the public starts to lose confidence in psychology, fewer students will enroll in psychology courses, fewer faculty positions will be created to teach students, and grant funding to psychologists will decrease. So, by airing our dirty laundry in public, we’re only hurting ourselves. I had an email exchange with a well-known researcher to exactly this effect a few years back in the aftermath of the Vul et al “voodoo correlations” paper–a paper I commented on to the effect that the problem was even worse than suggested. The argument my correspondent raised was, in effect, that we (i.e., neuroimaging researchers) are all at the mercy of agencies like NIH to keep us employed, and if it starts to look like we’re clowning around, the unemployment rate for people with PhDs in cognitive neuroscience might start to rise precipitously.

While I obviously wouldn’t want anyone to lose their job or their funding solely because of a change in public perception, I can’t say I’m very sympathetic to this kind of argument. The problem is that it places short-term preservation of the status quo above both the long-term health of the field and the public’s interest. For one thing, I think you have to be quite optimistic to believe that some of the questionable methodological practices that are relatively widespread in psychology (data snooping, selective reporting, etc.) are going to sort themselves out naturally if we just look the other way and let nature run its course. The obvious reason for skepticism in this regard is that many of the same criticisms have been around for decades, and it’s not clear that anything much has improved. Maybe the best example of this is Gigerenzer and Sedlmeier’s 1989 paper entitled “Do studies of statistical power have an effect on the power of studies?“, in which the authors convincingly showed that despite three decades of work by luminaries like Jacob Cohen advocating power analyses, statistical power had not risen appreciably in psychology studies. The presence of such unwelcome demonstrations suggests that sweeping our problems under the rug in the hopes that someone (the mice?) will unobtrusively take care of them for us is wishful thinking.

In any case, even if problems did tend to solve themselves when hidden away from the prying eyes of the media and public, the bigger problem with what we might call the “saving face” defense is that it is, fundamentally, an abuse of taxypayers’ trust. As with so many other things, Richard Feynman summed up the issue eloquently in his famous Cargo Cult science commencement speech:

For example, I was a little surprised when I was talking to a friend who was going to go on the radio. He does work on cosmology and astronomy, and he wondered how he would explain what the applications of this work were. “Well,” I said, “there aren’t any.” He said, “Yes, but then we won’t get support for more research of this kind.” I think that’s kind of dishonest. If you’re representing yourself as a scientist, then you should explain to the layman what you’re doing–and if they don’t want to support you under those circumstances, then that’s their decision.

The fact of the matter is that our livelihoods as researchers depend directly on the goodwill of the public. And the taxpayers are not funding our research so that we can “discover” interesting-sounding but ultimately unreplicable effects. They’re funding our research so that we can learn more about the human mind and hopefully be able to fix it when it breaks. If a large part of the profession is routinely employing practices that are at odds with those goals, it’s not clear why taxpayers should be footing the bill. From this perspective, it might actually be a good thing for the field to revise its standards, even if (in the worst-case scenario) that causes a short-term contraction in employment.

“But unreliable effects will just fail to replicate, so what’s the big deal?”

This is a surprisingly common defense of sloppy methodology, maybe the single most common one. It’s also an enormous cop-out, since it pre-empts the need to think seriously about what you’re doing in the short term. The idea is that, since no single study is definitive, and a consensus about the reality or magnitude of most effects usually doesn’t develop until many studies have been conducted, it’s reasonable to impose a fairly low bar on initial reports and then wait and see what happens in subsequent replication efforts.

I think this is a nice ideal, but things just don’t seem to work out that way in practice. For one thing, there doesn’t seem to be much of a penalty for publishing high-profile results that later fail to replicate. The reason, I suspect, is that we incline to give researchers the benefit of the doubt: surely (we say to ourselves), Jane Doe did her best, and we like Jane, so why should we question the work she produces? If we’re really so skeptical about her findings, shouldn’t we go replicate them ourselves, or wait for someone else to do it?

While this seems like an agreeable and fair-minded attitude, it isn’t actually a terribly good way to look at things. Granted, if you really did put in your best effort–dotted all your i’s and crossed all your t’s–and still ended up reporting a false result, we shouldn’t punish you for it. I don’t think anyone is seriously suggesting that researchers who inadvertently publish false findings should be ostracized or shunned. On the other hand, it’s not clear why we should continue to celebrate scientists who ‘discover’ interesting effects that later turn out not to replicate. If someone builds a career on the discovery of one or more seemingly important findings, and those findings later turn out to be wrong, the appropriate attitude is to update our beliefs about the merit of that person’s work. As it stands, we rarely seem to do this.

In any case, the bigger problem with appeals to replication is that the delay between initial publication of an exciting finding and subsequent consensus disconfirmation can be very long, and often spans entire careers. Waiting decades for history to prove an influential idea wrong is a very bad idea if the available alternative is to nip the idea in the bud by requiring stronger evidence up front.

There are many notable examples of this in the literature. A well-publicized recent one is John Bargh’s work on the motor effects of priming people with elderly stereotypes–namely, that priming people with words related to old age makes them walk away from the experiment more slowly. Bargh’s original paper was published in 1996, and according to Google Scholar, has now been cited over 2,000 times. It has undoubtedly been hugely influential in directing many psychologists’ research programs in certain directions (in many cases, in directions that are equally counterintuitive and also now seem open to question). And yet it’s taken over 15 years for a consensus to develop that the original effect is at the very least much smaller in magnitude than originally reported, and potentially so small as to be, for all intents and purposes, “not real”. I don’t know who reviewed Bargh’s paper back in 1996, but I suspect that if they ever considered the seemingly implausible size of the effect being reported, they might have well thought to themselves, well, I’m not sure I believe it, but that’s okay–time will tell. Time did tell, of course; but time is kind of lazy, so it took fifteen years for it to tell. In an alternate universe, a reviewer might have said, well, this is a striking finding, but the effect seems implausibly large; I would like you to try to directly replicate it in your lab with a much larger sample first. I recognize that this is onerous and annoying, but my primary responsibility is to ensure that only reliable findings get into the literature, and inconveniencing you seems like a small price to pay. Plus, if the effect is really what you say it is, people will be all the more likely to believe you later on.

Or take the actor-observer asymmetry, which appears in just about every introductory psychology textbook written in the last 20 – 30 years. It states that people are relatively more likely to attribute their own behavior to situational factors, and relatively more likely to attribute other agents’ behaviors to those agents’ dispositions. When I slip and fall, it’s because the floor was wet; when you slip and fall, it’s because you’re dumb and clumsy. This putative asymmetry was introduced and discussed at length in a book by Jones and Nisbett in 1971, and hundreds of studies have investigated it at this point. And yet a 2006 meta-analysis by Malle suggested that the cumulative evidence for the actor-observer asymmetry is actually very weak. There are some specific circumstances under which you might see something like the postulated effect, but what is quite clear is that it’s nowhere near strong enough an effect to justify being routinely invoked by psychologists and even laypeople to explain individual episodes of behavior. Unfortunately, at this point it’s almost impossible to dislodge the actor-observer asymmetry from the psyche of most researchers–a reality underscored by the fact that the Jones and Nisbett book has been cited nearly 3,000 times, whereas the 1996 meta-analysis has been cited only 96 times (a very low rate for an important and well-executed meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin).

The fact that it can take many years–whether 15 or 45–for a literature to build up to the point where we’re even in a position to suggest with any confidence that an initially exciting finding could be wrong means that we should be very hesitant to appeal to long-term replication as an arbiter of truth. Replication may be the gold standard in the very long term, but in the short and medium term, appealing to replication is a huge cop-out. If you can see problems with an analysis right now that cast aspersions on a study’s results, it’s an abdication of responsibility to downplay your concerns and wait for someone else to come along and spend a lot more time and money trying to replicate the study. You should point out now why you have concerns. If the authors can address them, the results will look all the better for it. And if the authors can’t address your concerns, well, then, you’ve just done science a service. If it helps, don’t think of it as a matter of saying mean things about someone else’s work, or of asserting your own ego; think of it as potentially preventing a lot of very smart people from wasting a lot of time chasing down garden paths–and also saving a lot of taxpayer money. Remember that our job as scientists is not to make other scientists’ lives easy in the hopes they’ll repay the favor when we submit our own papers; it’s to establish and apply standards that produce convergence on the truth in the shortest amount of time possible.

“But it would hurt my career to be meticulously honest about everything I do!”

Unlike the other considerations listed above, I think the concern that being honest carries a price when it comes to do doing research has a good deal of merit to it. Given the aforementioned delay between initial publication and later disconfirmation of findings (which even in the best case is usually longer than the delay between obtaining a tenure-track position and coming up for tenure), researchers have many incentives to emphasize expediency and good story-telling over accuracy, and it would be disingenuous to suggest otherwise. No malevolence or outright fraud is implied here, mind you; the point is just that if you keep second-guessing and double-checking your analyses, or insist on routinely collecting more data than other researchers might think is necessary, you will very often find that results that could have made a bit of a splash given less rigor are actually not particularly interesting upon careful cross-examination. Which means that researchers who have, shall we say, less of a natural inclination to second-guess, double-check, and cross-examine their own work will, to some degree, be more likely to publish results that make a bit of a splash (it would be nice to believe that pre-publication peer review filters out sloppy work, but empirically, it just ain’t so). So this is a classic tragedy of the commons: what’s good for a given individual, career-wise, is clearly bad for the community as a whole.

I wish I had a good solution to this problem, but I don’t think there are any quick fixes. The long-term solution, as many people have observed, is to restructure the incentives governing scientific research in such a way that individual and communal benefits are directly aligned. Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done. I’ve written a lot both in papers (1, 2, 3) and on this blog (see posts linked here) about various ways we might achieve this kind of realignment, but what’s clear is that it will be a long and difficult process. For the foreseeable future, it will continue to be an understandable though highly lamentable defense to say that the cost of maintaining a career in science is that one sometimes has to play the game the same way everyone else plays the game, even if it’s clear that the rules everyone plays by are detrimental to the communal good.

 

Anyway, this may all sound a bit depressing, but I really don’t think it should be taken as such. Personally I’m actually very optimistic about the prospects for large-scale changes in the way we produce and evaluate science within the next few years. I do think we’re going to collectively figure out how to do science in a way that directly rewards people for employing research practices that are maximally beneficial to the scientific community as a whole. But I also think that for this kind of change to take place, we first need to accept that many of the defenses we routinely give for using iffy methodological practices are just not all that compelling.

the seedy underbelly

This is fiction. Science will return shortly.


Cornelius Kipling doesn’t take No for an answer. He usually takes several of them–several No’s strung together in rapid sequence, each one louder and more adamant than the last one.

“No,” I told him over dinner at the Rhubarb Club one foggy evening. “No, no, no. I won’t bankroll your efforts to build a new warp drive.”

“But the last one almost worked,” Kip said pleadingly. “I almost had it down before the hull gave way.”

I conceded that it was a clever idea; everyone before Kip had always thought of warp drives as something you put on spaceships. Kip decided to break the mold by placing one on a hydrofoil. Which, naturally, made the boat too heavy to rise above the surface of the water. In fact, it made the boat too heavy to do anything but sink.

“Admittedly, the sinking thing is a small problem,” he said, as if reading my thoughts. “But I’m working on a way to adjust for the extra weight and get it to rise clear out of the water.”

“Good,” I said. “Because lifting the boat out of the water seems like a pretty important step on the road to getting it to travel through space at light speed.”

“Actually, it’s the only remaining technical hurdle,” said Kip. “Once it’s out of the water, everything’s already taken care of. I’ve got onboard fission reactors for power, and a tentative deal to use the International Space Station for supplies. Virgin Galactic is ready to license the technology as soon as we pull off a successful trial run. And there’s an arrangement with James Cameron’s new asteroid mining company to supply us with fuel as we boldly go where… well, you know.”

“Right,” I said, punching my spoon into my crème brûlée in frustration. The crème brûlée retaliated by splattering itself all over my face and jacket.

“See, this kind of thing wouldn’t happen to you if you invested in my company,” Kip helpfully suggested as he passed me an extra napkin. “You’d have so much money other people would feed you. People with ten or fifteen years of experience wielding dessert spoons.”


After dinner we headed downtown. Kip said there was a new bar called Zygote he wanted to show me.

“Actually, it’s not a new bar per se,” he explained as we were leaving the Rhubarb. “It’s new to me. Turns out it’s been here for several years, but you have to know someone to get in. And that someone has to be willing to sponsor you. They review your biography, look up your criminal record, make sure you’re the kind of person they want at the bar, and so on.”

“Sounds like an arranged marriage.”

“You’re not too far off. When you’re first accepted as a member, you’re supposed to give Zygote a dowry of $2,000.”

“That’s a joke, right?” I asked.

“Yes. There’s no dowry. Just the fee.”

“Two thousand dollars? Really?”

“Well, more like fifty a year. But same principle.”

We walked down the mall in silence. I could feel the insoles of my shoes wrapping themselves around my feet, and I knew they were desperately warning me to get away from Kip while I still had a limited amount of sobriety and dignity left.

“How would anyone manage to keep a place like that secret?” I asked. “Especially on the mall.”

“They hire hit men,” Kip said solemnly.

I suspected he was joking, but couldn’t swear to it. I mean, if you didn’t know Kip, you would probably have thought that the idea of putting a warp drive on a hydrofoil was also a big joke.

Kip led us into one of the alleys off Pearl Street, where he quickly located an unobtrusive metal panel set into the wall just below eye level. The panel opened inwards when we pushed it. Behind the panel, we found a faint smell of old candles and a flight of stairs. At the bottom of the stairs–which turned out to run three stories down–we came to another door. This one didn’t open when we pushed it. Instead, Kip knocked on it three times. Then twice more. Then four times.

“Secret code?” I asked.

“No. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

The door swung open.

“Evening, Ashraf,” Kip said to the doorman as we stepped through. Ashraf was a tiny Middle Eastern man, very well dressed. Suede pants, cashmere scarf, fedora on his head. Feather in the fedora. The works. I guess when your bar is located behind a false wall three stories below grade, you don’t really need a lot of muscle to keep the peasants out; you knock them out with panache.

“Welcome to Zygote,” Ashraf said. His bland tone made it clear that, truthfully, he wasn’t at all interested in welcoming anyone anywhere. Which made him exactly the kind of person an establishment like this would want as its doorman.

Inside, the bar was mostly empty. There were twelve or fifteen patrons scattered across various booths and animal-print couches. They all took great care not to make eye contact with us as we entered.

“I have to confess,” I whispered to Kip as we made our way to the bar. “Until about three seconds ago, I didn’t really believe you that this place existed.”

“No worries,” he said. “Until about three seconds ago, it had no idea you existed either.”

He looked around.

“Actually, I’m still not sure it knows you exist,” he added apologetically.

“I feel like I’m giving everyone the flu just by standing here,” I told him.

We took a seat at the end of the bar and motioned to the bartender, who looked to be high on a designer drug chemically related to apathy. She eventually wandered over to us–but not before stopping to inspect the countertop, a stack of coasters with pictures of archaeological sites on them, a rack of brandy snifters, and the water running from the faucet.

“Two mojitos and a strawberry daiquiri,” Kip said when she finally got close enough to yell at.

“Who’s the strawberry daiquiri for,” I asked.

“Me. They’re all for me. Why, did you want a drink too?”

I did, so I ordered the special–a pink cocktail called a Flamingo. Each Flamingo came in a tall Flamingo-shaped glass that couldn’t stand up by itself, so you had to keep holding it until you finished it. Once you were done, you could lay the glass on its side on the counter and watch it leak its remaining pink guts out onto the tile. This act was, I gathered from Kip, a kind of rite of passage at Zygote.

“This is a very fancy place,” I said to no one in particular.

“You should have seen it before the gang fights,” the bartender said before walking back to the snifter rack. I had high hopes she would eventually get around to filling our order.

“Gang fights?”

“Yes,” Kip said. “Gang fights. Used to be big old gang fights in here every other week. They trashed the place several times.”

“It’s like there’s this whole seedy underbelly to Boulder that I never knew existed.”

“Oh, this is nothing. It goes much deeper than this. You haven’t seen the seedy underbelly of this place until you’ve tried to convince a bunch of old money hippies to finance your mass-produced elevator-sized vaporizer. You haven’t squinted into the sun or tasted the shadow of death on your shoulder until you’ve taken on the Bicycle Triads of North Boulder single-file in a dark alley. And you haven’t tried to scratch the dirt off your soul–unsuccessfully, mind you–until you’ve held all-night bargaining sessions with local black hat hacker groups to negotiate the purchase of mission-critical zero-day exploits.”

“Well, that may all be true,” I said. “But I don’t think you’ve done any of those things either.”

I should have known better than to question Kip’s credibility; he spent the next fifteen minutes reminding me of the many times he’d risked his life, liberty, and (nonexistent) fortune fighting to suppress the darkest forces in Northern Colorado in the service of the greater good of mankind.

After that, he launched into his standard routine of trying to get me to buy into the latest round of his inane startup ideas. He told me, in no particular order, about his plans to import, bottle and sell the finest grade Kazakh sand as a replacement for the substandard stuff currently found on American kindergarten sandlots; to run a “reverse tourism” operation that would fly in members of distant cultures to visit disabled would-be travelers in the comfort of their own living rooms (tentative slogan: if the customer can’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must come to the customer); and to create giant grappling hooks that could pull Australia closer to the West Coast so that Kip could speculate in airline stocks and make billions of dollars once shorter flights inevitably caused Los Angeles-Sydney routes to triple in passenger volume.

I freely confess that my recollection of the finer points of the various revenue enhancement plans Kip proposed that night is not the best. I was a little bit distracted by a woman at the far end of the bar who kept gesturing towards me the whole time Kip was talking. Actually, she wasn’t so much gesturing towards me as gently massaging her neck. But she only did it when I happened to look at her. At one point, she licked her index finger and rubbed it on her neck, giving me a pointed look.

After about forty-five minutes of this, I finally worked up the courage to interrupt Kip’s explanation of how and why the federal government could solve all of America’s economic problems overnight by convincing Balinese children to invest in discarded high school football uniforms.

“Look,” I told him, pointing down to the other side of the bar. “You see? This is why I don’t go to bars any more now that I’m married. Attractive women hit on me, and I hate to disappoint them.”

I raised my left hand and deliberately stroked my wedding band in full view.

The lady at the far end didn’t take the hint. Quite the opposite; she pushed back her bar stool and came over to us.

“Christ,” I whispered.

Kip smirked quietly.

“Hi,” said the woman. “I’m Suzanne.”

“Hi,” I said. “I’m flattered. And also married.”

“I see that. I also see that you have some food in your… neckbeard. It looks like whipped cream. At least I hope that’s what it is. I was trying to let you know from down there, so you could wipe it off without embarrassing yourself any further. But apparently you’d rather embarrass yourself.”

“It’s crème brûlée,” I mumbled.

“Weak,” said Suzanne, turning around. “Very weak.”

After she’d left, I wiped my neck on my sleeve and looked at Kip. He looked back at me with a big grin on his face.

“I don’t suppose the thought crossed your mind, at any point in the last hour, to tell me I had crème brûlée in my beard.”

“You mean your neckbeard?”

“Yes,” I sighed, making a mental note to shave more often. “That.”

“It certainly crossed my mind,” Kip said. “Actually, it crossed my mind several times. But each time it crossed, it just waved hello and kept right on going.”

“You know you’re an asshole, right?”

“Whatever you say, Captain Neckbeard.”

“Alright then,” I sighed. “Let’s get out of here. It’s past my curfew anyway. Do you remember where I left my car?”

“No need,” said Kip, putting on his jacket and clapping his hand to my shoulder. “My hydrofoil’s parked in the Spruce lot around the block. The new warp drive is in. Walk with me and I’ll give you a ride. As long as you don’t mind pushing for the first fifty yards.”